Don’t be so hard on yourself!

I had a fantastic conversation with a colleague recently at lunch.

We were discussing, amongst other things, some of the topics of this blog and I was sharing some of the observations that I have made about myself as I have become more aware of myself. My colleague observed that others in the organisation were recognising the improvements I was making and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself.

Obviously I was happy to hear that others in the organisation were recognising my improvements :) but it also made me wonder… was I being hard on myself? Are we so used to criticisms and judgements that we’ve lost of the art of giving honest feedback… even to ourselves?

As a recovering perfectionist, I have traditionally been rather hard on myself (and others!). This is something that I’m working on and, whilst I’m obviously not quite there yet, I think I’m getting better at it. Lately I’ve been trying to apply the Learner vs. Judger model from Change Your Questions, Change Your Life. Based on this, here are some thoughts on how NOT to be hard on yourself and others:

1. First, just observe:

Whenever you, or someone else, does something, pause for a moment to observe. What just happened? What impact did that have? What did I want to happen instead?

I was focusing on the observations that I had made about some of my characteristics that I want to reduce / remove. In other words, the bad stuff. This led my colleague to feel that I was criticising myself and he did a very nice thing, he defended me. I wasn’t trying to criticise myself though, I was trying to demonstrate the improvements to my self-awareness.

2. Don’t just observe the negative:

Some people are natural optimists and some are natural pessimists. If you default to looking for the negatives, that’s ok, just look for the positives as well. Don’t just ask “what didn’t work?”, also ask “what worked?”.

I was observing how I was getting better at recognising and learning from observations of myself. My colleague got that. In fact, not only did he get it, but he observed that others in the organisation got it too! Obviously I’m doing something right! :)

3. Learn, don’t judge

Learning is looking at what worked and what didn’t and considering what we could do more of (the good stuff!) and what we could do differently (replacing the bad stuff with good stuff!). Learning allows us to change for the better. It’s easier to learn from observations than from judgements. That’s why #1 and #2 above are so important! Judging is the “being hard on” part, it implies (and encourages) permanency. When you categorise people or assume things about them, you’re judging them.

At first, I responded to my colleague’s observation with self-defence. “I’m not being hard on myself…”. Then I went back to #1 above and observed what happened. I am improving my self-awareness and I should do more of that. At the moment, I’m applying this mostly to my bad stuff. I can change that by applying this to my good stuff too.

What have I learnt…

I am becoming more aware of myself and the impact of my actions. As this happens, it is important to look for both the positive observations and the negative observations; and to learn from both. Do more of the good stuff and less of the bad. Pretty simple, right?

Learner vs. Judger

Whilst studying Leadership Coaching, an optional unit in the UWA MBA program, we were introduced to the Learner vs. Judger model attributed to Dr Marilee Adams of the Inquiry Institute and author of Change Your Questions, Change Your Life. This model is depicted in the Choice Map displayed below (free PDF download from the Inquiry Institute):

The concept of this model is that events occur and things happen that impact and affect us. When this happens, the voice(s) in our head asks questions (if you’re thinking to yourself “what voice?”… that’s the voice!). Sometimes we ask ourselves “Whose fault is it?” (or we jump straight to an answer… “It’s so-and-so’s fault!”) and sometimes we ask ourselves “Ok, what can I do to fix this?”.

Damnit, I’m a judger!

The Judger Path is not about making judgements (these are often necessary in business, engineering, etc); it is about being judgemental. When something goes wrong, our instinct tends to be to find someone to blame – it could be ourselves or it could be others. We ask “why” questions: “Why am I so stupid?” or “Why is everyone else so stupid!?”.

When I learnt about this, I immediately thought to myself “Damnit, I’m a judger! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?”. Classic judger! I started feeling stressed and pessimistic. Except, to my own surprise, I then started to think “Well, how could I change this? Maybe this model could help me”.

Is there a different question I could ask?

This is where the Learner Path steps in. Having a learner mentality is about stopping and asking open questions. It is about asking questions that help us learn from the experience. This can include how to avoid it occurring in the future and what can be done to improve the current situation.

When I asked myself how I could change my own judger mentality, I stopped thinking “I’m to blame for this, what’s wrong with me?” and thought “Is there a different question I could ask?”. I switched to a Learner Path and started asking what I could do to be less judgemental. I found plenty of areas where I could apply this, for example, see my previous post Mr Know-it-all: 2 lessons for being less arrogant. Best of all, it felt good!

We’re all judgers at heart

Whilst its not represented in the choice map, Change Your Questions, Change Your Life suggests that judging is natural, almost instinctive. So, we are all going to judge. What is important, is the ability to recognise when we start judging and to switch our questions. If we can do that, we can learn from anything.

Also… this doesn’t just have to be around negative experiences. If we do something well and we succeed, we sometimes think “yay, I’m awesome!”. It’s great to feel that elation, wouldn’t it be fantastic if we could learn how to repeat it? We can, if we ask ourselves “What did I do well that I could do again next time?”.

What have I learnt…

So I’m trying to be less judgemental and more thoughtful. When things go right, I want to look at what I did well and how I can repeat that. When things don’t go right, I want to look at what I could change so that it goes right next time. I won’t always succeed, but that’s ok. If I can start to recognise when I go into judger mode (which is still quite frequent!), I’m already switching paths.

PS: Should you read the book?

It’s not entirely necessary to read Change Your Questions, Change Your Life. I found the story-telling style a little simplistic and somewhat staged; but I had already been exposed to the concepts. The writing style is perhaps more beneficial for those who are newer to to the concepts. Having said that, I did learn some additional ideas from the book that were not captured in the strategy map, so I’m glad I read it and would encourage you to too.

Mr Know-it-all: 2 lessons for being less arrogant

In my first post, My first introduction to myself, I recounted the story of how I learnt how much I still had to learn. Acknowledging that I didn’t know everything was, at first, a little difficult. I used to pride myself on being rather knowledgeable (not trying to be egotistical here).

I like to help others when I can, so I often tried to use my knowledge to this effect. This may have been to inform them of something they didn’t know or to offer them some advice on how they could solve a problem. To those whom I was “helping”, this probably came across as me being a know-it-all (sorry for that, everyone!). Especially if they didn’t ask for my knowledge / advice / opinion!

I now see a few issues with being a know-it-all:

Being a know-it-all made me feel smart, so it probably made others feel stupid.

Correcting someone or telling them what they “should do” made me feel smart because I felt that I had all the answers. If they wanted an answer, that’s fantastic; but if they thought they already had the answer, I’ve just said their wrong. And probably not just said it, but insisted it. Probably with some insinuation that their answer wasn’t just wrong, but stupid.

It shouldn’t have to be about being right or wrong. When two pieces of information conflict, why judge them? Couldn’t we just state the discrepancy and if it’s really important to either of us, we can verify it later. More on the pitfalls of being judgemental in my post Learner vs. Judger.

Being a know-it-all made me feel like the centre of attention, so it probably made others feel like I’m not paying attention.

Correcting people made me feel like the centre of attention because I’m right and everyone should be listening to me. When others spoke, I often found myself focusing less on what they were saying and more on whether I could correct them / do things better. This isn’t really listening…

What if, instead of pretending to listen (but really just waiting for an opportunity to impart our knowledge), we actually listened. If we let others speak, we might learn something new. We might also make others feel like the centre of attention. Aren’t they likely to appreciate that more than being corrected?

What have I learnt…

So, I’m trying to be less Mr Know-it-all and more Mr Helpful. If someone asks me for information, advice or my opinion, fantastic! I’ll be happy to offer my understanding, advice or opinion. That means owning my opinions, not presenting them as fact (i.e. using IMHO, but without the bullsh*t factor). If they don’t ask for my input, I will instead:

1. Accept differences without unnecessary judgement
2. Shut-up and listen

Any other suggestions?

Wish me luck! :)

My first introduction to myself

Who I am today is vastly different to who I was a few years ago. There have been lots of subtle, unintentional changes. There have even been rather significant changes spurred on by the encouragement of those who care for me. There is, however, one significant event that stands out in my mind as a turning-point in my life.

In May 2009, I enrolled in the MBA program at The University of Western Australia. For years I had talked about wanting to do an MBA. In my mind, it would be all about how to succeed in business. I had finished my Bachelors degree, I just needed those two years work experience before I could enrol and then I would take over the world. 7 years later, my fiancée (now my lovely wife) finally convinced me to get off my backside and enrol.

The first unit, a compulsory unit, was Organisational Behaviour and I thought to myself: "I'm a numbers guy, I don't really need to learn this stuff". As the unit progressed, we were being taught a number of interesting concepts such as the MARS model of individual behaviour, Belbin team roles (Team Roles at Work on Amazon.com) and the characteristics of high performance teams. As we organised ourselves into teams and began working on a team project I began to realise that this was the perfect opportunity to actually apply what we were learning.

For me, this was the start of my journey towards better self-awareness. Things didn't go very smoothly during that team project and I didn't handle things perfectly; but I learnt some powerful lessons from that experience. Lessons that I now apply to my studies, to my work and to my life. These lessons were important... but the biggest lesson of all was that I was not perfect. I don't mean that in a negative, judgemental way; but in a powerful, positive way. As Socrates put it: "The more I learn, the more I learn how little I know".